


Angels we have heard on high

by aron_kristina



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Baby Jesus, Christmas, First Christmas, M/M, Road Trip, Snow and Ice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-01
Updated: 2011-02-01
Packaged: 2017-10-15 07:12:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/158356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aron_kristina/pseuds/aron_kristina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel takes Sam to see the first Christmas.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Angels we have heard on high

**Author's Note:**

> Beta by C.  
> Written for an exchange on LJ.  
> Feedback and concrit is very welcome.

Christmas at Lisa's is more stressful than Sam could ever have imagined. Sure, there aren't a lot of people, just Lisa, Dean, Ben and Lisa's parents. And Sam and Castiel. But it's so awkward, trying to make small talk with Lisa's parents, trying to be nice to Ben, trying to make sure Cas doesn't do anything that will make people look at him strangely. And Dean is no help, Dean just looks at Lisa with hearts in his eyes, and ruffles Ben's hair when Ben says inappropriate things and mostly does what he usually does around Cas, which is confuse him even more. And Cas' attempts at figuring out what Dean really means always leads to even worse faux pas. And trying to cover up for Cas while trying to not mention hunting or hunting-related stuff (they had promised Lisa) was taking its toll, and after the dessert he fled outside to sit in the garden chairs still out. The cold was making him feel a bit better, and the quiet. He did feel a bit bad about leaving Cas in there though, it was never fun to see his confused gaze when he realized he'd done something wrong. But he just needed a break.

When he was younger Sam had thought that having a family holiday was the height of happiness, something he craved, something he watched other people have with great jealousy. Now he understands why those people complained about having to spend time with all their relatives. It's stressful, not knowing what to say, not knowing what parts of your life you're supposed to censor for which people. But Dean wants him here, and so Sam goes.

Castiel is more or less a late addition, Sam doesn't know if Dean had asked him or if he had showed up of his own volition, but Lisa doesn't seem too surprised by it, so maybe Cas is supposed to be one of the guests. It would make sense, after all, Cas and Sam are basically Dean's family. And Bobby, but not even Sam would be able to guilt trip him into coming around for Christmas.

When Sam's been out there for ten minutes Cas comes out to join him.

"Not having fun?" Sam asks as Cas sits down next to him.

"It is pleasant enough, I guess, being with family and celebrating, but Dean said I should go find you. And take my time about it", Cas says with a small grimace.

"Yeah, subtle he is not, my brother", Sam sighs. They both stare out in the darkness.

"I would like to show you something", Cas says, suddenly. "May I?"

"What is it?" Sam asks, slightly wary.

"It will spoil the surprise if I tell you. But I think you will like it", Cas says, looking hopefully at Sam, and Sam can't find it in himself to say no. Besides, it probably beats sitting out in the cold while Dean does whatever Dean wanted to do without them. Pretend he has a normal family perhaps.

"Yeah, why not", Sam says, and Castiel stands up. Sam stands up next to him and Cas presses two fingers to his forehead. Sam barely has time to think that this is a bad idea before the sickening sensation of Angel travel overcomes him.

*

Sam opens his eyes and has no clue where he is. All around him is fields, sandy dry fields with tufts of grass. It's much warmer than the place they left and Sam takes off his jacket. It's also oddly bright for the time of year, the sun setting on the horizon and painting everything orange and red. And it smells like... sheep.

"Where are we?" he asks. Castiel looks at him and smiles, a soft smile that makes him look like the Angels Sam imagined when he was younger.

"You'll see", is all Cas says before taking him by the hand and leading him across the fields. The smell of sheep is getting stronger, and he can hear people talking in a language he doesn't speak but which sounds vaguely familiar. They reach a campfire with some men gathered around. They're dressed strangely, and from that and the weird language Sam decides they're probably not in USA anymore. They stay with the shepherds, but as they take no note of them, Sam guesses he and Cas are invisible somehow.

Suddenly there is a bright light in the sky. The shepherds are scared, throwing themselves to the ground and shouting, and Sam is scared to, but Cas holds his hand, a steady presence at his side and this is probably something Cas expected. He hears a voice, coming from somewhere far away, but still clear to be heard, and it says something in the same language. Sam is about to ask when Cas speaks.

"Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.  
For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.  
And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.”

 

Sam doesn't know what to say, and neither do the shepherds. Then the light begins to sing, something beautiful and jubilant, and Sam feels tears sliding down his cheeks. Castiel is singing too, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men” and it's more human somehow, when Cas sings in his rough voice, but somehow even more overwhelming, and Sam doesn't know where all these emotions come from, sadness, joy, he doesn't know what to do with them so he weeps.

When it's all over and the light has gone Sam dries his cheeks and looks at the shepherds. They look just as taken as Sam feels, like they don't know where to put themselves, like the feeling is too big to be contained. They look at each other and like one man they rise up and start walking back where Sam and Cas came from.

Castiel doesn't say anything, just walks beside Sam in silence, and Sam is grateful for that. He has no idea what he could even say, and he's not sure his voice would hold steady even if he did. He has been witness to a miracle, and he's about to witness another one, and it's too big. Why did Cas bring him here? Him, the abomination, the destroyer of worlds. He's going to go to Jerusalem.

The walk takes longer than Sam imagined, when he read this story he always thought it was just like popping out to the store, but it takes them almost three hours to get there. When they get closer to the city Sam can see the star shining bright, the only light source besides the odd candle.

In the city it smells less like sheep and more like shit. Another thing Sam hadn't thought about when he read the Gospel. They walk through narrow alleys, away from the large houses and into the part of the town where the poor people live. Sam has lost all sense of direction, but the shepherds seem led by a mysterious force and Castiel's hand is warm in his, and he's not afraid. Finally they reach something that looks completely unlike the cribs in Pastor Jim's church. It's a shed, small and dirty, and it smells horrible. The shepherds enter, and so do Sam and Castiel. There's a tiny candle burning, but Sam can see pretty clearly despite the bad light, it had been even darker outside. There's a man standing while a woman occupies a small chair. Sam can see she's young, but she has wrinkles and when she smiles he sees a gap where she's lost one of her front teeth. She looks incredibly tired, and dirty, like she hasn't slept properly in weeks, and hasn't washed properly in at least as long. The man is probably a bit older, but it's hard to tell. He's gaunt, and beyond that marked from a hard life. They're so far from the pictures of a Maria in a blue dress, clean and shining, looking gentle and good, with their black hair and their dirty, torn clothes, but they're so much more beautiful than those pictures could ever describe. They are real. The shepherds are talking to Maria and Sam knows they're telling her about the angels. When they have finished talking Maria lifts up a tiny bundle from the crib. Sam can only see a small face, crinkly and red like newborn babies are, and what looks like blond hair, and then Maria is holding the baby out to the leader of the shepherds to hold. He takes the baby carefully and holds him for the other's to see. They sing a song, a hymn of some kind, and do something that looks like a blessing symbol. Sam is amazed that Maria would let these people hold her baby, they've only just met and Messiah or not he's just a baby, but she just looks on, calmly, and he can see the likeness to the pictures now. Not in looks, but in that calmness. That absolute faith that whatever happens will be God's will. He doesn't realize he's crying again until Castiel wipes the tears off his face.

The shepherds give the baby back to Maria and start to leave. Sam makes to leave too, but Castiel stops him. He motions Sam forward without a word until they're standing right in front of the crib that Maria put the baby back in. Sam doesn't know what to say, this is so overwhelming that he feels his knees go weak. Castiel is there to catch him and lowers him gently to the floor. Sam sits in stunned silence for a long while, just watching the newborn baby. Eventually Castiel nudges him again, and they go outside. Cas then presses two fingers to Sam's forehead again and they're back in Lisa's garden.

Sam stumbles and Castiel is there to catch him again.

"I don't know if I can go back inside", Sam whispers. Castiel nods.

"I will tell Dean that we are leaving", he says and goes inside. Sam sits on the porch again, still too stunned to really think properly. Castiel comes out after a while and he has Dean with him. Sam has no idea what Cas said to Dean, but Dean just hugs him.

"Take care", he says. "I'll see you tomorrow." Sam nods and Dean goes back inside.

Sam is shaken, he doesn't know who he is anymore. It's like another person has taken residence inside his body. Someone worthy of this. It feels like being blessed without having to do anything, and Sam doesn't believe in that. Castiel takes his hand again, and they walk slowly down the road from Lisa's house to the motel they're staying. Where Sam is staying. Castiel doesn't technically need to stay anywhere, but he is going with Sam, and Sam is grateful for that too. He doesn't want to be alone, but he doesn't want to be with someone who won't understand what just happened to him. Who doesn't understand that Sam feels fragile, and tender and made new again. That Sam just wants a hand to hold, no words necessary.

When they get to the motel Sam gets ready for bed without a word. Castiel is sitting on the other bed (Sam gets rooms with two beds out of habit, he just can't not) watching him the entire time, and it feels safe. It feels like home. Before he turns the light out Sam asks "will you stay? Will you be here tomorrow?" and Castiel nods.

*

When Sam wakes up he feels rested. Like his cup has been refilled, his energy levels at full, an extra life. He looks over to the other bed and sees Castiel lying there, watching him idly. It makes Sam happy to know that Castiel has been here the entire night, keeping watch over him. He smiles, and Castiel smiles back. They don't talk as Sam gets ready and they head over to Lisa's again, but Sam likes to think they have a silent understanding, an agreement to not talk abut this, because it doesn't need to be talked about, can't be put into words, the holy feeling of a newborn child.

At Lisa's it's quiet, calm like it wasn't yesterday, and Sam thinks it's because Ben has already opened his presents and is playing with them in his room. Apparently Dean and Lisa thought it best not to wait, and Sam agrees. It's not like the stuff they're going to give each other is anything special really. He just hopes Dean hasn't bought him skin mags, because he's not sure his head wouldn't explode from the inappropriateness of that. He's gotten Dean some new tapes to listen to in the car, that he’d found in this weird junk shop, and Lisa a nice handmade book. It's the kind of girly stuff Jess claimed her mom got, and it was all Sam could think up when he was shopping. For Cas he's gotten a necklace, a simple gold crucifix on an chain, and he's not sure it was such a good idea, thinking on it now. Anyway, it's inadequate compared to what he was given, but so would any gifts that Sam could get Castiel be. There's just nothing you can give an Angel, and he hopes Castiel is the kind who thinks the thought is the most important thing about gifts.

Dean gives Lisa jewelery, ear rings and a matching necklace, which prompts a make out session in the kitchen. Sam looks at Cas, who just smiles in a serene way. Apparently kissing at Christmas is approved of by Angels. Dean hasn't gotten him skin mags, but he has gotten Castiel skin mags, and not just any skin mags, bisexual skin mags. When Sam looks horrified Dean quickly explains that it was Lisa's idea to get stuff with guys too, since no one really knew what Castiel digged.

"Yes, it's obviously the fact that there's naked guys I'm upset about, and not the fact that you gave an Angel porn", Sam says, maybe a bit too loudly because Lisa looks pointedly at the ceiling.

"Pictures of naked people aren't in any way considered inappropriate", Castiel says solemnly. "The human form is truly beautiful, as it is created in the image of God. Thank you, Dean." Both Sam and Dean choke at this, but Castiel smiles a small smile and that is that. All of them tactfully neglect to mention Castiel's gift during the rest of the breakfast.

Sam learns that Jess' advice had been correct, Lisa does like the note book. Castiel hasn't said anything about the necklace other than 'thank you', but he does put it on, which makes Sam happy. Castiel has a gift for Sam too, a book about protection charms that Sam has wanted to get his hands on forever. Sam feels even more inadequate at this, but Cas looks at peace, so Sam decides not to ask about it.

*

They leave Lisa's before lunch; Sam wants to get on the road and Castiel follows him back to his motel again.

"Are you going back to heaven now?" Sam asks while he quickly packs up all his stuff. He longs to be back on the road, this little brush with domesticity has left him feeling restless and he has no idea how he had ever thought he was cut out for this life.

"I don't know", Castiel says. "I thought maybe I could go with you, if that's ok."

"Yeah, sure", Sam says, surprised, but also pleased. Hunting is more fun when you have company, and it’s only fair to Dean that he gets to stay with his family for a while before Sam needs his help again. "Aren't you needed upstairs?" he asks after some silence.

"No, not at this moment. I have decided to take a holiday," Castiel says, as if the concept of holiday is something he hasn't quite grasped yet.

"Ok, then, let's roll", Sam says and they go out to the car.

*

Four days later Sam still hasn't worked up the courage to ask Castiel about the gift, but he has seen Cas touch the cross hanging in the hollow of his throat, so it apparently isn't the worst gift Sam has ever given.

They are going for the border to Canada; if Castiel wants a holiday he should get snow. They travel slowly, not really aiming for anything, taking long breaks for food and stopping at local sightseeing spots. Sam also decides to stop early in the evenings, so they can go out to dinner and unwind properly. It’s almost as much for his own sake as for Cas', but he wants to give Cas something, after all Cas has done for him. Just a few weeks back and Sam wouldn't have been able to feel like this, and that is something Cas has helped him with too, getting his soul back, even if he hadn’t done the final deed. He knows, or at least he thinks he does, that Cas doesn't particularly like him, but something has changed. Cas has changed, or maybe Sam has.

They are at a bar, drinking some beer and just hanging around when Sam finally finds the courage he needs (and if he'd known it was hanging around the bottom of a beer bottle he'd have taken Cas out drinking sooner).

"Did you like the gift?" he asks, and then winces. "I mean, it's not much, I know, but I didn't know what to get you." He feels like he’s digging himself a really deep hole, but he can't help it.

"I liked it a lot", Cas says. "Maybe I didn't thank you properly."

"No, you did", Sam says, feeling ashamed that he's even brought it up. Cas is so amazing and he feels unworthy at times like these. Castiel takes his hand and looks him straight in the eyes.

"Thank you, Samuel", he says seriously. "It was a very nice and thoughtful gift." Sam squirms, now feeling really uncomfortable and unworthy, but he can't look away.

"I'm glad you liked it", he manages to get out.

"I do", Castiel says. "I don't need anything to remind me of heaven, but this makes me think of my Father's love, and it shows to humans that I believe. And it reminds me that all are loved and forgiven by my Father."

"Yeah", Sam says, looking away.

"Samuel", Cas says. Sam still looks at the very fascinating wall. "Look at me." Sam does. Castiel looks the way he does sometimes, like he can see Sam's soul, and perhaps he can, perhaps not.

"I..." Sam says.

"God loves you too, Samuel. He knows you, and he forgives you. His grace is eternal." Castiel sounds like a preacher somewhere, but behind his words is such conviction, he doesn't believe, he knows, and he has taken Sam to see the birth of Christianity, has chosen to share it with Sam. Sam takes an unsteady breath.

"Thank you", he says, and smiles shakily.

"God loves you, Sam, and so do I", Castiel says, like it’s the easiest thing in the world. Sam doesn't know what to do with himself, all these emotions Castiel makes him feel, just by being Castiel. He hasn't gotten used to having them back yet, having his soul back, and Castiel turns his world upside down. He knows distantly that he’s crying, he’s holding hands with a guy, crying, in a bar in the middle of nowhere, but he doesn't care. Castiel can take care of anything that happens, won’t let anyone harm him. He swallows.

"I... me too", he says. He can't say the words, not now and maybe not ever.

"I know, Sam", Cas says, and he knows that Castiel knows. That Cas doesn't need to hear it. He still wants to say it at some point, but that point is in the future. Not now, when he’s so fragile. He wants to tell Dean too, tell him how sorry he is, but he isn't sure he'll ever be able to. "And he knows too", Cas adds, and Sam guesses Cas has read his mind. It should make him upset, but it doesn't. It’s nice not having to say things too.

"Do you wanna leave? Go back to the motel?" Sam asks.

"Yes", Castiel answers, and they go back.

*

The room isn't anything special; it looks like most motel rooms he's stayed in with Dean, but it has a king-size bed instead of his and Dean's two queens. Castiel doesn't need to sleep, and Sam has finally kicked the two bed habit. Now though, instead of sitting in the sofa he takes off his coat, jacket, shoes and belt and lies down on the bed next to Sam. Sam is in boxers under the covers while Castiel is lying on top of them.

"You'll be more comfortable if you take off your shirt and trousers and lie under the covers", Sam says before his brain really registers what he's doing. Castiel raises his eyebrows, but does as Sam says. He could just mojo his clothes off, but it seems like he wants the full human experience, so he takes them off the regular way. Sam tries not to look, and he almost succeeds. Castiel slides under the the covers, and Sam doesn't quite know what to do with himself now that Cas is in his bed. Castiel doesn't seem to have these problems, he puts his head on Sam's shoulder and lays one hand on Sam's chest. Sam stiffens a bit.

"Is this not what humans do when they share a bed?" Castiel asks, like he knows the answer already, and the answer is yes.

"Yeah, I, yeah", Sam says and arranges Cas so he's lying comfortably on Sam. It's almost like it was with Jess, except for the fact that Castiel is larger, and male. There's still that comforting thing of having someone close at night, someone you like and trust. Sam feels his eyelids getting droopy and he kisses the crown of Castiel's head before murmuring "good night" and falling asleep.

*

In the morning Castiel is still in bed with him, and apart from some minor freaking out, waking up with him is awesome. Really awesome. Castiel is warm, and he doesn't care that Sam's morning wood is pressing into him, or that Sam doesn't want to get up and just buries his head in Castiel's neck instead of doing something useful. He even cards his fingers through Sam's hair, and that is so awesome Sam almost purrs. Castiel continues, scratching Sam's back lightly.

"I didn't know you were this physical", Sam says, words muffled by Castiel's skin. "I thought Angels were above this."

"We're not", Castiel says, but offers no further explanation. Sam decides that for once in his life he won't question something good, and relaxes into Cas. Soon though, nature calls and he has to get up. When he looks back at the warm bed with Castiel spread out on it, hair standing in all directions and looking sleepy and warm, he almost changes his mind. He doesn't though, and he brushes his teeth while he's in the bathroom. When he gets back out Castiel is dressed though, and Sam's plans for some morning kisses are thwarted. Maybe it's for the best. No matter how physical Castiel has gotten he's still an Angel, and sex might not be something he wants. Even though kissing would be awesome, Sam knows he's going to want more, even if he can't have it. Especially if he can't have it. You can take a person's soul out of hell but you can't change the addictive nature of that person's personality.

Castiel looks at him while he's getting dressed, and Sam thinks that if he did read Sam's mind he's got enough tact to not comment on it. He's sure Castiel will tell him if he tries something Cas doesn't want.

*

The day is spent mostly in the car, Sam doesn't really feel like stopping anywhere along the road, and Cas doesn't seem to care. They're silent, and it's a bit uncomfortable, but not overly so. Sam thinks the problem is in his mind, since Cas looks completely at ease. Wouldn't be the first time for that, he thinks, and it's like he's already forgotten how it felt (or didn't feel) to have no feelings at all, because uncomfortable isn't something he wants to feel.

When they stop at another cheap motel Castiel turns to him.

"Do you not have any money?" he asks, out of the blue.

"Yeah, I have some", Sam replies. "Why?"

"Can we not sleep in someplace nicer than this", Castiel says, and yeah, this place looks gross, but even if he has the money he's sort of reluctant to spend it on better sleeping arrangements. He turns to tell Castiel this, and then he sees the look in Castiel's eyes. Apparently he did read Sam's mind before, and Sam swallows before turning the car around the the nicer hotel he saw a couple of streets back.

*

Sam gets a weird look from the receptionist when he asks for a King and she looks out the window to see Castiel stand next to the car, watching the snow fall softly. He doesn't care, he's just happy that Castiel gets to see the snow, even if he probably has before. Sam wants to give him this, the Christmas experience, snowfall and gifts and a Christmas tree. Sure, maybe they came in the wrong order, but it is still Christmas for a couple of days more.

Since it's not very late yet they sit together in the nice sofa and drink coffee made in the small kitchenette, coffee that doesn't taste like shit. The TV gets proper reception too, and Sam thinks he could get used to this. As long as Castiel stays cuddled up against him on the sofa though, he would be happy without coffee and tv-shows.

When it gets late Sam goes into the bathroom to get ready for bed and when he gets out Castiel is already lying in bed. Sam gets in under the covers and Castiel turns to him and looks Sam in the eyes, telegraphing what he's going to do before he kisses Sam. It's a chaste kiss, the kind you see in movies, sweet and loving and Sam's eyes tear up. He closes them and puts a hand on Castiel's cheek. Castiel moves back to look at him again, not moving until Sam opens his eyes.

"Of course I want you like this", he says. "Angels are not sexless." He dives in to kiss Sam again, and Sam lets him control the pace. It's strange, he's usually the aggressor in sex, the one with the control, and he usually does it rougher than this, but Castiel exudes power, even in his gentleness, and Sam wouldn't dream of trying to control this. Cas moves on top of Sam, deepening the kiss, but still keeping it gentle, and Sam almost feels like a virgin. In a way he is, touched for the very first time since getting his soul back, and that thought makes him blush.

"You're beautiful", Castiel says, and Sam almost laughs, because seriously? His thoughts about virgins didn't mean he had to be talked into anything.

"Cas", he says.

"You are, Sam, you're beautiful", Castiel says again, and then he slides off Sam. Sam waits for something to happen, but Castiel seems content to curl up against him like he did last night.

"What?" Sam asks, because it looks like Castiel is going to sleep, or at least rest or whatever he does.

"You're not ready", Cas says. "Maybe you won’t ever be. I can wait."

"What do you mean, not ready?" Sam says, because he's so ready, ready and hard, and damn Angels and their ideas.

"If I can't tell you how I feel about you without you getting embarrassed you're not ready. It's ok, Sam. Sleep", Cas says, and Sam is just. He's fucking stunned, and he briefly considers leaving the bed and jerking off in the bathroom, but that means leaving the bed, and leaving the warm weight of Cas lying on him, and that's not going to happen, so he gathers up Cas and closes his eyes and sleeps before he knows it.


End file.
